Could it be that I biked 4000 miles, traveled across the country over the course of four months, to get closure on a romantic relationship that really ended half a year ago when I moved away from California back home to Tennessee? I know in my heart that this was not the impetus that drove me to put all that work and energy into beginning this journey. It was not with that in mind that I built that rack and those bags, painted and rebuilt my bike, loaded myself down with an obscene amount of weight, and pedaled away from my house and out into the unknown. But by the time I reached Albuquerque and hopped on that train heading west, that notion was surely in my heart, and the prospect filled me with apprehension and dread. Subconsciously I knew it had to happen, the outcome was inevitable, given all the circumstances leading up to that point, but my conscious mind was holding out for other possibilities. When it comes to matters of the heart, the mind seems to have no misgivings with intentionally lying. Only when the shit hits the fan, when the situation presents itself in undeniable truth, does the mind finally admit its fabrications, that it knew what was to come the entire time, leaving the heart to carry the full brunt of the sudden emotional disparity. Thus a broken heart and a guilty, helpless mind. Quite a dangerous combination. So even though I already knew the reality of the status of this relationship before I arrived in southern California, I had to bear witness with my own eyes. Even if my mind had chosen to be honest, my heart would not have accepted second-hand hearsay as its own truth. Thus my journey, while not initially driven by this need, was destined to end here in California, to satisfy that curiosity.

The days leading up to the confrontation were tough. My mind was torn between hope and doubt, as I tried my best to quiet my emotions. The day I finally asked the question was a Tuesday, the 11th, Veteran’s Day. This day also happens to be my brother’s birthday. He would have been 27. There was nothing I could do to stop those emotions from surfacing. His birthday never fails to leave me deeply saddened, always serving as a reminder of the tragic loss. Usually my grief leaves me quiet, maybe a bit mopey, and contemplative. I lose my drive to be social. Anyway, that day and the day before I had been staying at her house, which was a mixed signal to begin with, but I was not feeling terribly welcome, like my presence there was not really anything special. The weight of the sadness of remembering my brother coupled with the lack of feeling wanted was too much for me to carry at the same time, and thus I forced myself to ask a question that I wasn’t terribly enthusiastic about hearing an answer to. ‘Would you rather I wasn’t staying here?’ Her response was all I needed to hear to know exactly where things stood. ‘It would be much easier for me if you were not here; I would be able to get work done at my own pace. I don’t want to throw you out on the streets with nowhere to go, though.’ It was too late at night to leave at that point, but I knew I would be packing up first thing in the morning and getting out.

The next day was incredibly tough. I couldn’t believe this was happening, that I was going to be walking out like that, that the relationship was really over. I know it sounds cliche or cheesy, but to be honest, the loss of the romantic relationship did not bother me too much. I will admit that after four months of being mostly alone, I was hoping for some kind of compassionate touch from someone I trust, even just an enthusiastic hug. Perhaps I set my expectations too high. Really, though, what truly made me sad, what brough tears to my eyes as I packed up my belongings, was the knowledge that I was losing a good friend, that someone I trusted and thought I could share everything with would no longer be in my life. I know this is all standard break up protocol; that’s the nature of the situation. I’ve just always been on the other side of things. Plus, her actions had clearly shown, and she even admitted, that she could not be an emotional support for me. She could not be a shoulder to cry on or even a sympathetic ear to tell my troubles to. That’s what broke my heart.

Lucky for me, though, I do have people I can turn to when times get tough. There are people I can call upon who do know how to listen, how to empathize, how to comfort. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt terribly to lose someone whom I thought was one of those people. I have already lost too many people that I loved due to death, so to lose someone who is still living seems like such a pointless shame to me. However, if someone can look me in the eyes and tell me that they cannot be there emotionally, that the stress of some work prevents them from being empathetic or compassionate, I find it difficult to find it within myself to find the drive to sustain that relationship in any form. It is difficult to try to take a step backwards in any relationship and make things work, and personally, degrading relationships, tearing down what has been built up without the intention of rebuilding, is not on my personal agenda.

So with a heavy heart and teary eyes, I left her place on Wednesday and headed first to a park to collect my thoughts and then to a good friend’s place just down the road. Like I said before, I am very lucky to have some really fantastic people in my life- good-hearted, compassionate people. My friend Betsy has been that since the very beginning, and she did not fail me this time. She gave me a place to stay last year when I finished my bike ride up the Pacific coast, when I had no money and nowhere to go. She gave me a roof over my head and even bought me a nice bed. The story of how we met and became friends is really an interesting one, but perhaps best told another time. The short version is that I gave her my cat when I graduated college, and we have been friends ever since. So in addition to having good company and someone to talk to, I also got to see my old cat, Soma, to whom I have always had a strong attachment.

I mentioned earlier that I had gone to the park first after leaving her place, and I am glad I did. While there, I was able to breathe a bit and put some perspective on the situation, to look past my initial reaction of grief and a crushed ego. I tried to look past the short-term consequences of the loss and focus on what this meant for my future, what my next move should be. As I began to look at the change from this different perspective, I began to realize what this closure had created for me. Suddenly I understood the freedom I had just been granted, a freedom that I had longed for while on the road but was never able to realize. My tethers had been severed. No longer did I have any gravitating ties to southern California; I was now free to go anywhere. The lack of closure on that relationship, that constant wondering ‘what if’, had inevitably led me back to Orange County, but now I had an answer, now I had nothing to wonder.  All throughout my journey I longed to feel that kind of freedom, to know that wherever I was could only be exactly where I needed to be, but I never felt it. I knew I couldn’t be free until I found out for sure that it was over. Only then could I move on from California and completely focus on where to go next. I genuinely worked up some excitement thinking about all my new possibilities.

So the past week has been filled with mixed emotions. I still feel saddened over the loss, and despite being surrounded by friends up in L.A., there still remains a penetrating feeling of loneliness.  It is hard not to remember the relationship we had before and yearn for some semblance of the emotional companionship. At the same time, I am excited to begin something new. One of the goals I set for myself when I began this long journey four months ago was to try to find somewhere new to live. I had hoped that by the time I got to Los Angeles I would have a strong idea of where I wanted to go to settle down for a bit. When I arrived here just over a week ago, however, I felt completely void of any idea on the matter. Thus I had concluded to stick around here for the winter and give myself more time. Now with this sudden change that has developed, I find myself with ideas I didn’t think I had. I think I have decided what my next move will be, where I will go. Funny enough, it isn’t even somewhere I visited on this journey. For the moment, my mind has settled on taking my life to Nashville, Tennessee, in the near future. I hadn’t even been considering moving there at any other point, really, but somehow the idea popped into my mind a few days ago, and since then I have been thinking about it nonstop. After much thought, the whole thing makes sense, and I am ready to take action. When I consider the factors of what I am looking for in a residence, Nashville seems to fulfill my needs. I realized that I want to be in a city, somewhere with a diversity of people and opportunities. At the same time, I do not want to be locked in a concrete jungle anymore, like Los Angeles. I also must find myself in a place with friendly people, somewhere not overrun by pretension and insecurity. Nearly everywhere is cheaper than southern California, so that was a pretty easy standard to fulfill. And then another factor, one that has only recently been brought into consideration, is proximity to my dad. I genuinely want to try to improve my relationship with him. He’s all I have left as far as immediate family goes, but since my mother died seven and a half years ago, our relationship has not been terribly fulfilling. It has been incredibly tough, but I am finally at a point in my life where I am willing to work to make things better. I can’t stand having a strained relationship anymore, and I believe that I have the understanding now to try to facilitate the necessary changes. Being back home in Knoxville earlier this year has proven to me that there is no way for me to move back there, living in the same house with my dad or not, but Nashville is only about a three hour drive from Knoxville. Close enough that visiting would not be a difficult or expensive trip, but still far enough away that I can be on my own, independent, and start something new for myself. I hope to have a little bit of space where I can set up workshops, areas for sewing and woodworking and painting. I have not had much outlet for creative energy for the past few months, and I am in desperate need of some release. I want to make clothing and build furniture and paint everything. The thought of all this gets me really excited. I look forward to beginning fresh. I do know a few people in Nashville, but I am excited about meeting lots of new people as well. I see a lot of possibility in this move.

For the next few weeks, however, I plan on staying out here in California. There are still people to reconnect with and places to visit. I must make it out to the Salton Sea and go camping. So who knows, maybe I will end up spending the better part of the winter out here, as long as I can afford it, as long as I am enjoying myself. At least now I can take great comfort in knowing that I have created some new direction for myself. I haven’t solved all of my problems, far from it, but I have a new excitement that allows me to take each day one by one and continue to move forward. I am beginning to put this journey into some kind of perspective. Every day I find myself gaining more and more understanding of what I have just been through. I still hope that soon enough I am able to comprehensively revisit this entire adventure and consolidate all this documentation into a book. I think it is a really good story, and I have tried to be as honest as possible in relating my account of it all. Plus, there is so much more that wasn’t written here. If for no other reason than for my own memories and to show my kids one day, I really want to turn this whole bicycle trip into a cohesive narrative, a truthful and emotional account of my journey, of all the great people I met along the way, and all the wonderful tidbits of life that come along with that. For now, I must continue to process what I have just been through and where I am going next. Lots of pictures coming very soon!